Friday, June 19, 2009

Please help your lame writing friend

I'm about to write this scene where two cousins are playing some rough basketball and trash-talking and whatnot, but it turns out I'm like fifteen percent too lame to do this scene with any authority. So I did what all homely, frightened little writers do when they write about things they're too timid to experience. I researched it.

According to Wikipedia:

Trash-talk is a form of boast or insult commonly heard in competitive situations (such as sports events). It is often used to intimidate the opposition, but can also be used in a humorous spirit. Trash-talk is often characterized by hyperbolic, figurative language, e.g., "Your team can't run! You run like honey on ice!" Puns and other wordplay are commonly used.

"Ah," I said to myself, "hyperbole -- an effective literary device. . . and yet, I'm not all that keen on the hip vernacular the kids are using these days."

So then I researched examples of trash-talking.

I'm posting some of the highlights here, but please be aware -- these are not simply for entertainment purposes. I'm also wanting to know if any of these insults are overused or cliche' or even just plain not as funny as I think they are. So read on, and if you have any good (and fairly original) insults to add, pass them along. As always, I will steal them and hog all credit.

"You're so ugly, your birth certificate is an apology letter."

"Let's play horse -- I'll be the front end, you be yourself."

"You're so dumb, they fired you from the M&M factory for throwing out all the 'W's."

"You're so dirty, whenever you take a shower you lose weight."

"All that hot air pouring out of your face is causing global warming."

"Could you breathe the other way? You're bleaching my hair."


K. M. Walton said...

1. You ain't lame.
2. I love the M&M insult
3. I am too nice to know any other good insults.
4. I guess I'm the lame one

Angela Ackerman said...

Those are freakin awesome.

Don't forget the Yo momma jokes:

Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo momma's like a Happy Meal--small, cheap and greasy.

Yo momma's so fat, when she moons people they turn into Werewolves.

Happy trash talkin',


Unknown said...

I preferred to let my wet jumper speak for itself.

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

Love the birth certificate one. How about, "You're so ugly, you make Mike Tyson look like Princess Grace!" I know. Pitiful. I'll put in to be a better trash-talker in my next life. I'll get back to you then.;-)

Anonymous said...


Sounds like they're playing church ball, the brawl that begins with prayer.

Kelly Polark said...

I'm so not a trash talker but I'll give it a shot...
Hey let's play horse! I'll be the front and you can be yourself!
Here's one from Anchorman:
You are a smelly pirate hooker!

I told you I can't talk trash!

Anonymous said...

It's a funny scene, right? Cause those are funny.

Anita said...

I don't like the trash talk...I'd prefer grunts, groans, sweat flying, elbows colliding with rib cages, chest bumps.

Danielle said...

I wish I could help, but I don't play sports where you trash-talk... dancers mostly just swear... I'm amused by your samples, though. I think my cousin uses the M&M thing as a blonde joke.

VeeFlower said...

Can't beleive you're overlooking a fount of inspiration for trash talk...go to the bar with Shortensweet and her favorite skank, buy them a Yagermeister or two, sit back, and let it happen.

Suzanne Casamento said...

I like your examples a lot! They're very funny. I don't have any trash talk for you, unfortunatly. But I think Anita's got a good point, use elbows, jabs and grunts too. All that action will speak volumes.

And uh, I'd love to be at the bar with Shortensweet, her favorite skank and the Jagermeister. ; )

colbymarshall said...

The M&M one is great, lol!

Keri Mikulski said...

Hey, I just wrote a similar seen for a proposal - girls and guys..


Keri Mikulski said...

Love your trash talking, BTW..

A lot of mom comments with guys..

Carrie Harris said...

The fact that you actually researched trash talking has me laughing so hard.

You should just come and hang out with me and my friends...

Monica said...

oh i wish i could trash talk. I generally think of witty things to say about an hour after the comment is needed.

HUBBYMAN said...


Angela Ackerman said...

Oh man, I heard the best trash the other day and thought of you. Well, not you, but your problem. Heh.

"You're as ugly as a can of smashed assholes."

I mean, that's So kids, the moral of this story is to be creative! Get radical and bizarre. I think to stand out--the bigger, the better.

Monica said...

just a word of warning. Sometimes trash talk in written form can seem stilted and dated. So be careful that your trash talk can stand the test of time.