Sunday, August 31, 2008

Gotta win that limerick contest...

Man I love, love, LOVE that Irish Music Festival. They have Guinness and food, and crafts, and Guinness, and three stages of continuous, incredible, live, Celtic music. And they have Guinness -- Guinness is my favorite adult beverage. (meet you there, buddy)

So this year 'Gealic Storm' is headlining; perhaps you remember the movie 'Titanic'? About the really big boat that sinks and all these people die in spectacular ways? Never heard of it? Anyhow, in the scene with the belowdecks party, Gaelic Storm was the band that was playing -- they basically rock in every concievable way.

Another regular feature of the Irish Music Festival is the annual limerick contest.

So here we have an amalgamation of many of my favorite things: writing, Ireland, humor, competition, and Guinness (being on tap pretty much every twenty paces makes it an integral part of every event). To say that I want to win the limerick competition would be an understatement; I NEED to win that competition... If I don't win that competition, I'll sink into a morass of depression and self-loathing, and likely lash out at my children for imagined crimes like needing food and water, nose-breathing, and thinking too loud.

Last year, I won second place in the adult category. I won fifty dollars and two free passes, and I got to go onstage and read my winning limericks. If you're so inlined, you can click this link to my You Tube channel, and relive the moment with me. Ahhh... it brings a tear to my eye even now. My limericks were okay. Most everybody I know says mine were better than the one that won first place, but I'm not bitter. Although if I see that guy this year, I'll probably smash his kneecaps with a baton.

See here's what I got so far this year (keep in mind that they're rough - I'll probably change some word choices, and hopefully I'll come up with four or five more so I can pick the best three):


There once was a fellow named Ray,
Who worked hard at his job everyday,
He'd come home half-dead
but if his kids were in bed,
He'd roll with his wife in the hay.


A man of the beer-making craft,
Once swam in tub-full of draught.
It seemed quite the whim
with his mug and his grin,
Til' he drowned while the onlookers laughed.


Keep in mind that the limerick, ancient art-form that it is, is expected to have some inherent measure of bawdiness. As saintly as I am, I struggle with this particular element, and I'm forced to summon every iota of creativity my soul possesses to fabricate such scandelous in-virtue. That being said, here is my third entry from last year (the one they couldn't print in the Muskegon Chronicle).


There once was a fat organ grinder,
Whose monkey was always behind her.
She'd forget and she'd sit,
So he'd tweak on her tit,
Just to give her a gentle reminder.


The Michigan Irish Music Festival is a family event.


VeeFlower said...

I am sorry son. But there comes a time when the teacher has to surpass the student. And so I am throwing down the gauntlet. I am entering the contest meself and if I win, I will let you have my Guiness.

Ray Veen said...

Bring it on.

Vikki said... fellow Michigonian! What are the odds!?

Pass me that Guinness, please...

Ray Veen said...

Grrr... I totally screwed my template. I hate me. 'Me' is a bone-head.

Oh, hey Vivi - you don't live close enough to actually go to the Irish Music Festival, do you? Cuz yeah, I'd buy you a Guinness. Cindy and I plan to spend our entire checking account on beer that weekend.

Stupid template.

Elizabeth said...

I love bawdy humour.
Its the 12 year old boy in me.

Hey, you've redecorated!

something going on between you and Vivi?
I saw her first.

Ray Veen said...

Elizabeth - you and Vivi and everybody have such purty blogs that I started to get a little embarrassed. 'Big Plain V' just seemed so... well, 'plain'.

And so, I embarked upon a great journey to gild my homeland with treasure from around the internet. And, as it turns out, the little gem I picked up was cursed.

Thus the plague you now bear witness to.

And about the Vivi thing - I'm really sorry. I'll think I'll just give you two a little privacy...

Tracey said...

Your blog now looks kinda like a big glass of Guinness ...

Ray Veen said...

Reeeeaaaalllly..... hmm....

And I was just getting on to change it to something a little easier to read.

Thanks, Tracey, think I'll leave it this way and see if I can get used to it. The melancholy aspect of the background doesn't quite suit my personality, but God, how I love the rain.

Vikki said...

Tracey's right. Life, as seen from inside the pint glass. (In a good way, that is...not in a sad, Angela's Ashes kind of way.)

And alas, I live waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay east of that marvelous little festival, and being the ONLY Guinness lover in the house, I can't seem to wrangle a 3 hour drive out of darling husband (especially when he's an IPA lover. Blegh!! Gag.)

Now, now, Elizabeth...share your toys, young lady.

VeeFlower said...

There once was a lad named Ray,
Won a limerick contest with pay,
He told his old mum
Who wasn't that dumb
She entered 3 limericks today!

Get ready to rumble.

Ray Veen said...

Now see here, my good woman, it just so happens that I, in fact, entered five limericks, dispensing with several that didn't meet my superior standards of quality, including one which appears on my web log.

I find it quite hurtful that you would come here and taunt me thus.

Ray Veen said...

Vivi - you should probably explain what this evil IPA brew is so that I can avoid it in the future.

And tell your husband to plan on next year - I'll buy him a Guinness too. It'll be worth the drive.

Oh man, guess what I heard yesterday? If you fly Air Lingus - I don't know if I'm spelling that right, but it's the official Irish Airway - they serve Guinness...





And with all of the creative power at my disposal, I find myself hard-pressed to imagine anything more wonderful.

Anonymous said...

there once was a maiden named vi
who turned her nose to the sky
i shall win the game
and earn some fame
she hoped her son won't cry

there once was a man named ray
he liked to drink guiness all day
he giggled with glee
and then he would pee
and shout for his wife for a lay

ok these two are mine. what do you think? don't be too hard--i'm no good at this.


Anonymous said...

This one's for you, Bell. Also, it's not really a limerick, more of a lamberick or maybe a lemming.

My little man prays with an uncovered head
Every night when I go to bed
I prayed with a girl
Whose fervor unfurled
And the answer to prayer came unwed

I release above poem to the public domain for the betterment of humanity and blame themattscott for making me think about sex education.

VeeFlower said...

Cindy, you have hidden talent, that's all I can say. BigPlainV, I would love to lose to someone who could really appreciate that Guiness, namely you. The more I think about it the more I hope I lose to you! I wouldn't mind bowing to your obvious superiority!

Ray Veen said...

Cindy - what can I say? You are so supportive of me, what with all the mocking of my mother and the promising of the marital relations after the drinking of the beer - you are the perfect girl for me.

And Blackbird? You are operating on an entirely different level of consciousness, there, buddy. If you submitted this 'lamberick' of yours, they'd probably disqualify it for being intellectually lascivious, yet somehow having a moral. Plus, you're practically a professional poet, so... I'd prefer it if you stood at least 500 feet from my limerick contest.

colbymarshall said...

Teehee, teehee,
what fun limericks from thee!