A new and better excuse for not updating.

I like you blog people, have I told you that lately?

And so it is with heavy heart that I make the following announcement: computer number two took its final, ragged breath yesterday -- which leaves me with a total of zero computers.

So. Until my teeny-tiny notebook gets shipped back to me, I might miss some of y'all's blog posts here and there. Which I really hate because I have this thing where I feel compelled to stay current with each and every person who comments on my blog. Between that and the fact that I don't have TV, I give it two days before I start to manifest actual physical symptoms of withdrawal (mood swings, irritibility, uncontrollable tremors).

But here's the good news: the computer didn't die until I'd finished the absolute last of my revisions and sent it out to my agent, along with the marketing materials he'd asked for. So yeah, those files are safe, and even better -- I'm officially in the 'submitting' phase of my writing career. (Okay, we haven't actually sent anything out yet, but mentally, I'm in the submitting phase.)

Just so you know, I do have internet access at the hospital, but they expect me to participate in surgery from time-to-time, so I can't count on that to feed my addiction. Those jerks.

Thinking of elevators.

I was at a bar not too long ago and happened to run into my aunt and some of her friends. She brought one of the ladies over and introduced me as her 'writer nephew', and went on to say some very enthusiastic things about the absolute inevitability of my book getting published.

So of course the lady wanted to know. "What's your book about?"

I don't know about the rest of you writer folk, but that is a question I absolutely dread. How can one possibly describe their 500 page novel in under ten seconds? Especially while yelling to be heard over the God-awful karaoke singers. I sat there thinking of how much and what I should tell her, but nothing was clicking. I was drawing a blank (did I mention the place had Guinness on tap?).

So my response was, "Uh......... I don't know."

"You don't know what your own book is about?"

What I meant was that I didn't know how to describe it. I wasn't prepared to talk about it. And the place had Guinness on tap. "No, well -- yeah, I know what it's about... It's basically about these kids that get mental powers because they're like, descended from fallen angels and mortal women. Only they don't know that, see?"

The way I described it, of course, made it sound like the crappiest book ever -- even to me.

The problem, I think, is that I've never developed an 'elevator pitch': a two or tree line synopsis of the entire book. I've never been to a conference, I have no immediate plans to go, and even if I did, I wouldn't need to pitch my book to an agent because, yeah, I've already got me one o' them thar critters.

But clearly an elevator pitch would help me to look less like an idiot, and more like someone who has a decent grasp of the crap he actually hopes to sell one day.

Anyhow. I bring this up because I finished what hopefully will be my final revision of Fiersom's Brood, and I'm all set to start writing the second book, 'Solhades', see the cool picture I made up at the top there? I'm toying with the plot in my little creative muscle right now, and soon I'll embark on my behemoth outlining journey as described below. Only this time, I'm gonna try this technique I came across several months ago called 'The Snowflake Method' It has similarities to my method, only it's somehow even MORE organized, and it starts with an 'elevator pitch' synopsis.

So I'm gonna go work on that now. Maybe I'll post it when I've got it down. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a synopsis of Fiersom's Brood that I toyed with for my query, oh so long ago. I eventually scrapped it because it was too short, but now -- I think I need to go ahead and memorize the freaking thing.

Cuz it's humiliating not being able to describe your own dang book.

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They are Nephilim: descendants of fallen angels and mortal women. God sent His great flood, in part, to wipe out every trace of their abominable civilization, yet a remnant survives, hidden beneath ocean and earth, striving to redeem themselves under an impending curse. One-thousand generations later: a group of teens slowly unravel the secret of their ancestry.

. . . and the source of their power.

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So now you tell me, what's the elevator pitch for your latest novel? And I realize this sounds like a routine question to get you to leave a comment, but seriously, I love hearing what other people's books are about. I honestly want to hear all of your synopses, with all my widdle heart. Please don't disappoint me.

I could learn something.

An important post regarding January 20th

1.) Today is the 38th anniversary of my birth.

2.) I'm okay with that.

3.) Because my life just keeps getting better and better. Click here to see how great my life is. (Thanks, Cindy -- you are my whole reason.)

4.) Life is one helluva journey, no? As you can see by the following pictures:

(okay, honestly, these pictures were both taken today, the only difference is that there was a shower somewhere in between them -- which says something profound about humanity and life's journey and all that. Surely you can see the profound thing of which I refer to. No? Look at the pictures again.)

5.) I've been home all morning and already more than a dozen people have wished me a happy birthday. God I love the internet. Thanks, Al Gore.

6.) And speaking of political figures, I believe something else is going on today, only I can't quite remember what it is.

7.) Perhaps certain wildly popular statesman should pick a different day to have as their special day. January 20th is already taken.

The world's biggest outline nerd.

This post is for Denise, and for everybody else who's ever asked me about my outlining fetish.

Whenever I start a new book-length project, I've gotta have me a big fat outline. I don't know if it's a strength or a weakness, but I like to have the bulk of my thinking done before I sit down to write. But no, I don't sit down and write a hundred page outline just off the top of my head, the behemeth grows in stages, in kind of ever-expanding layers.

I take a notebook (yep, still do it longhand) and write the central concept/story idea on the first page. That usually takes a paragraph to half a page. Then I expand on it, basically writing like a four or five page synopsis of the plot, and just so you know, everything's fluid at this point. This stuff always changes dramatically -- I'll get better ideas or realize something is either too cliche' or just plain doesn't work. Point is: you've gotta have something to start with.

So after I have my four page synopsis, that's when I really have to put on the breaks. Until a few books back, my characters were always thin and wimpy and tasted like sawdust. So now I practically write their entire life's stories BEFORE I move into the main outlining phase. That way I know who they don't like and what they're keeping secret, and how they'll react to the things that are gonna happen. Having a firm and intimate idea of who each of my characters are helps me grow the plot around them, to allow it to be shaped by their personalities and decisions. This kind of stuff usually fills twenty-plus pages.

Kay, nuff on that. My kids are gonna get off the bus pretty soon.

So here we are: we know what's gonna happen in the story and we know what kind of people it's gonna happen to. And this, my friends, is the moment I live for -- the entire reason I write. This is where we get to make a story.

I basically do it with a bullet list. Nerdy, right?

I list every single thing that's gonna happen, in fairly strict detail, leaving about four blank lines between items. For a 200 page book , this outline will fill an entire section of a three subject notebook, for a large book (like Fiersom's Brood), it eats the whole dang thing. Here's an example of what my outline entries might look like:

-- When Biff gets back to the mansion, he finds that the whole staff is gone for the day (Buffy sent them home early then took Biff jr. to the zoo)

-- Biff gets excited and goes to his special closet where he hides all his gangsta duds. Then he cranks up the stereo and starts practicing the Soulja Boy dance.

-- Satan appears in the mirror. "Your soul is mine, bud."

So this little bit right here would probably translate into a two to five page scene, depending on how the conversation goes. Yes, I do put dialogue in my outline. Usually it's not something that's gonna be copied verbatim into the book, though, it's just meant to be representative of the conversation.

Alrighty then. The last thing I'm gonna mention is the spaces between entries, and you know what they're for, right? That's where the coffee stains go. And all the freaking inevitable changes. All of the things I forgot. Notes on plot twists. Sometimes even sketches. Let's just say, yeah, they get filled, and yeah, it looks like crap. But it makes writing the first draft very very easy. What I've got at this point is something very close to a screenplay, and all I've got to do is novelize it. Easy-peasy. I have never -- not once in my life -- experienced anything even remotely close to 'writer's block', and I can usually write about 60-80 pages a week, and I think it's because, like I said, most of my thinking is already done.

Once I'm done with my massive outline, writing my book becomes a matter of putting frosting on cake. (note: my outlining process takes one week, two if I'm lazy)

So now you tell me. How much work do y'all do before you start writing?

Like I needed a reason to procrastinate.

I totally should have been editing. Instead, I started doing this:

(Cindy is probly gonna kill me)

(please listen with good speakers or earbuds - PC speakers make it sound like crap which it isn't totally)

Anyway. As you can see, I'm merely a passable musician. I figure if I were about 5-10 percent more talented, I probably could've made a run at being in a band or something. As it is, gee-tar is one helluva restful hobby.

So that was the Jack Johnson song I was talking about in my last post. Now, here's a bonus track dedicated to the freaking snow.

(PS: I call this concert series 'Live from the Can' because, yeah, I was in the bathroom. Good acoustics. Oh, and did I mention that I wrote both those songs?)

Don't waste your time reading this.

My geetar songs

Got no real reason for posting anything. I quickly got tired of Twilight occupying the prominant position of being at the top of my blog, plus I wanted to see how imeem looks on a blog post -- not sure I like it. This is a song I'm learning right now, thought about posting a video of me playing it, but then I realized that that would be narcissistic.

And I am as humble as Ghandi.

Twi-lame

I really shouldn't be blogging, so I'm gonna keep this short.

I just finished reading Twilight, and I felt the strong, STRONG urge to share my thoughts on it.

I shall do so in the form of a pie chart, which graphically represents my summation of the overall plot.

Feel free to disagree with me, because I'm not the world's biggest literary critique guy, but I think this book would only appeal to people who enjoy reading about dreamy guys. It is not a love story, it is not a vampire story, it is not really any kind of story at all. It is a really long description of how hot Edward was supposed to be.

Unfortunately, none of it did anything for me. So I am officially dubbing this book 'most over-rated drivel ever'. (Cuz Twilight-related titles hold 14 of the top 15 spots on Amazon's 'best sellers for teens' list)

Fiersom's Brood update.

Many of you already know this from FB, but my agent has suggested cutting 100 pages. You know what that means right? Not so much bloggy in the next few weeks.

I got the email last night (Mr. Bliss was kind of 'there' to share my dread), so first thing this morning, I got up and attacked the scenes with a sharp knife -- before they had a chance to fully wake up. I find murder to be fairly easy when you're victims are groggy, so, you know, next time you gotta kill something. . .

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So any of you writer guys have to make major cuts like that before? How did it make you feel? Did you cry? You can tell me. I won't point and laugh. Honestly, I'm not much of a cutter, myself. When I edit, I tend to add more stuff than I cut, so I guess it's good that I have somebody like Mr. Ellenberg guiding me.

Me goin out

Cindy and her sisters are getting ready in the bathroom and I am bored. So I thought you might want to see my goin out shirt. So here it is. I drew it. Because I am bored. Did I mention?

And I heard the place has karaoke.